Low pain day

I’m enjoying a low pain day today and not really being productive. But I’ve been on the keyboard and ukulele and practised my Spanish.

I’ve also done a work out/physiotherapy as I do everyday and it went especially well today.

A letter has come through with a referral to the community mental health team. So they’re going to do some kind of assessment next. I already had an assessment with the psychology department so I’m not really sure what’s going on. I wish the doctors would give you more information about who they’re referring you to and what’s going to happen. They do the assessment at my house which is good, because if my physical health is bad, I won’t have to cancel the appointment just because I can’t get there.

I’ve been writing a lot of poetry recently. Which I think shows how messed up my head has been. I write more when I’m struggling and I go to poetry more over short stories or working on my novel when I’m struggling as well.

I had a funeral on Monday and there’s some issues with my friends that I’m not sure what to do about. And I’ve been dealing with medication side effects.

I’m trying not to think about all the mess inside my brain and just enjoy my day with low pain (it’s a 3/10 which is really really good for me).

There’s not really much point to this post except I needed to write and get things out of my head.

I’ll write again soon.

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Good and bad

Today has been a good day really. I saw A and he’s forgiven me, and we are giving things another shot (exclusive this time). But I have a lot to make up for, but I’m not quite sure how to do that. The only reference I have for ideas is tv and films where a guy buys a girl diamonds. I don’t think A will want diamonds somehow!

But health wise it’s not a great day. Pain level is at 7/10. Fatigue is at 6/10. Dissociation has lifted though so it’s not all bad. Im happy again. But I’m angry at myself still for letting things slip, to letting myself get so bad in the first place, and for everything that’s happened this week. A might have forgiven me but I’ve not forgiven myself yet.

I’m going to take some painkillers and lie in bed while doing some writing (poetry or short stories- I don’t have the brain power to deal with the mess that is my novel right now). Then I’ll get a good nights sleep. Tomorrows task is to sort out my finances and all the other things I’ve been letting slide and get some studying done. I have exams in two months!

My to do list is very overwhelming when I’m in this much pain, but I’ll get there eventually…

N xxx

Dissociation 

I just got back from the theatre watching my step dad in a play. At one point he’s one stage with his shirt hanging open thrusting his hips. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe.

The play was a love story. About love that doesn’t work out. They don’t end up together. It seems fitting for my life right now. I was nearly in tears at the end.

I fucked up with A. I wish I could take it all back. I was trying to hurt him before he had the chance to hurt me which is completely stupid.

I’m not myself at the moment. The last few months have been a whirlwind of emotions.

Normally I fairly like myself, currently I wish I was dead. Suicide seems like a good option right now. I’ve always thought I would die by suicide one day. Even when I’ve been happy and life has been going well I thought that’s how it would end. It scared my mate when I told him that. He thought I was suffering with depression but when I told him, I actually wasn’t. My mental health was good at the time. But I know things can always get bad again.

But I really don’t feel like myself. I’ve dissociated. I feel like I’m watching myself live my life, but I’m not actually in control of my body or my actions. Like an out of body experience. I’m just watching.

Yet the things I’ve done are still my fault. Because I let myself get to this point. I’ve been dissociated for a week. But the warning signs have been there since january.

I’ve not looked at my bank accounts and kept an eye on my money since january. I’m gonna have charges for going overdrawn on my accounts.

I’ve not donated to charity or even signed a petition or bothered to read an email from greenpeace since january. All my post is sitting unopened as well.

I’ve barely played guitar or ukulele or keyboard since January. I’ve listened to music but not the right kind of music to soothe my soul.

I’ve not meditated more than four times since January, and those four times weren’t successful. I couldn’t calm my thoughts.

I self harmed three weeks ago after over a year of not self harming.

I’ve been obsessed with dieting and weighing myself 10 times a day (10 is probably an underestimate. Definitely not an exaggeration). That’s not healthy for anyone but especially someone with a history of eating disorders.

I’ve not written any short stories since January or worked on my novel, and I might have written one poem but that’s it. Normally it’s a short stories and a couple of poems per week and regular work on my novel.

I’ve not studied at all since 2015. That’s just pathetically bad for me.

And I don’t know what to do. I have one friend whose advice I always go to and who I really trust. But she’s been severely ill with her own bipolar since october. Maybe the lack of anyone to talk to has gradually led to this breakdown of sorts. Maybe it would have happened anyway.

I just need someone to talk to. A friend who really cares.

The worst thing about dissociation is I don’t feel the same. Like I don’t care about people. I don’t even love my dog. And then I start thinking how that makes me a bad person.

All the things…

All the things that are causing me stress right now:a list.

  1. My sister has moved back in. I can’t be myself around her because she is so judgemental. At the same time I’m worried for her because she just can’t cope with life and is having a bit of a breakdown. I think she has an eating disorder.
  2. My mum is under a lot of strain with my sister and potentially moving house/potentially getting an extension, and work. I’m trying to help as I can but usually I can show her when I feel shit. I feel like I can’t at the moment without adding to her stress.
  3. My dad and step mum have some issues that are bothering me. I feel like it’s not a healthy relationship and wonder of the effect on my brother.
  4. My brother has mental health difficulties and I’m scared for him.
  5. My brother is also being tested for a genetic heart condition that only affects men (so not me). I’m scared for him.
  6. My cousin is having a relapse with her OCD and eating disorder and is leaning on me for help a lot. I can’t turn her away. She says I’m the only person who understands.
  7. My friends aren’t actually that good friends really. Or they are good friends but not great people. I’m not sure. I’m feeling let down.
  8. I’m pretty sure one of my friends is hypo manic (or is it hyper manic?) from his antidepressants. He doesn’t seem to see an issue. I’m worried.
  9. I have money right now, but I’m terrified of losing it. A slight health improvement and I don’t know when to inform the benefits people. If I do, I might lose my entire income and my mum will struggle massively if I’m not paying her. If I don’t, I might get investigated for fraud for not being as sick as I told them. But I don’t know how long this good patch will last. I hate relying on the government for money. I wish I had a job.
  10. My brain fog is still being a shit. I’ve tried studying. I’m sooo behind and I have exams in two months. I should have done the work by now and be revising but I’m not even half way through. But I’ve tried reading the textbook and I don’t understand it. Hell I can hardly understand instructions on a microwave meal. 
  11. My hands hurt. Not a big deal for someone with chronic illness but it feels different this time. Worse. More constant. I’m scared its arthritis and won’t get better. I’m scared I will have to stop playing guitar, ukulele and keyboard, and doing photography, and drawing and painting and sewing and clay modelling (I’ve already massively reduced doing all those things). 
  12. I think the SIBO is back (again). I don’t want to take the medications again and be housebound if not bedbound for three weeks because of them.
  13. TMJ disorder is bad. It’s making it difficult to eat. It’s making it difficult to talk. I’ve been ignoring the pain and doing things anyway but god it’s frustrating.
  14. I have to decide whether to go to my cousins wedding in July. How am I supposed to know in advance if I’m well enough? He said he needs minimum 2 weeks notice if I don’t go(?!).
  15. My nausea has been constantly bad for weeks (even when I’m not taking codeine). I’m scared as to why. I get pain in my stomach every time I eat or drink. This is a new experience for me and I don’t know what to make of it.
  16. My skin feels like it’s on fire. Wearing clothes hurts.
  17. I’m worried that after my step dad moves back in, I’ll get sick again and have to move my bed into the lounge again and it will be a pain because he won’t walk through if I’m asleep (incase I’m not fully covered) and it’s the only way to the kitchen. I feel like it’s pressure to stay doing well.
  18. Restless leg syndrome in bad and affecting my already shit sleep.
  19. I’ve damaged my knee and struggling to fix it.
  20. One leg muscle is significantly bigger than my other leg.
  21. My skin is a mess from the stress and I keep picking at it.
  22. I self harmed recently and broke my year long streak of no self harm. I’m finding it difficult not to continue self harming.
  23. The rabbit is potentially dying. The vets are trying treatment but it’s not looking good. That rabbit helped me through some tough times.
  24. I’m cutting down smoking.
  25. My diet/healthy eating regime couldn’t be much worse.
  26. The neck pain that causes horrendous headaches is back.
  27. I feel like a bad friend and relative because I’ve been so caught up in my own stuff.
  28. Muscle memories of pain.
  29. My dog keeps having an upset stomach and I’m worried. I’m worried there’s something wrong but I’m also worried each time it happens if he’s been poisoned (poison killed a few dogs on a nearby field recently).
  30. All the stress is making my health worse.

And that’s not even getting onto a lot of the irrational worries going through my head.

N xxx

Regrets

I’ve not written on here in a long time. Probably because my health has improved a lot. But also because my depression had improved a lot.

But I need to write. I need to get out all the things in my head.

The last month or so, my depression has been really bad. For no real reason. But when my depression is bad, I seem to create a lot of new reasons to hate my life. And last night I made a big mistake and it lost me a decent guy who I’ll call A.

We weren’t together. I’m not really sure what we were but we weren’t labelling it and we hadn’t been on a date. But I kissed another guy (who I’ll call Z) after a few drinks. It was actually a bit more than a kiss but I told A it was just a kiss. I knew he wouldn’t forgive me anyway so why hurt him more than necessary? Even though I had said there was no commitment to A.

Why did I do it? I’m trying to work that out myself. I guess that’s why I’m writing.

Part of it was that I don’t trust A. He did one thing that made me lose his trust, but it really wasn’t a big deal. But with my black and white thinking, I either trust someone entirely or I don’t trust them at all. I didn’t realise how much I still need to work on black and white thinking.

I also freak out about relationships. I’ve had so many bad ones before. A year and a half ago, I broke up with a guy who I had actually become scared to be alone with and I hadn’t dated at all since or even really considered it until A. If I hadn’t started speaking to A when I did, I wouldn’t have even thought about dating. There’s still a lot of fear after my ex. I’ve been desperate to get a lock on my bedroom door because I don’t even trust my family members.

A has a lock on his bedroom door and when I was hanging out at his, he locked it out of habit. And I felt trapped. It freaked me out so much. I just wanted to run away from that house but I pushed down the irrational thoughts. I should have realised then that I needed to start writing again. That I needed to get everything out before it took over.

Well it took over, all the shit fed Anna. Anna is one of the voices in my head. I don’t really have the voices anymore. I hadn’t had them in over a year when I’ve been sober. And really I shouldn’t drink. I gave up alcohol for a year, and I don’t even know why I started drinking again. Maybe to prove to myself that alcohol isn’t a problem for me. But it is.

I realised a couple of weeks ago I needed to stop drinking, but I talked to A about it (well dropped it into conversation). And he looked shocked. He also said that if we went out for drinks with his family, I would need to drink (or maybe he didn’t say that but it came across that way). And I like him and want his family to like me, so I thought, rather than quit drinking like I knew I should, I would try again to drink sensibly.

Obviously didn’t work as I drank way too much last night. More than I have in years. I wanted to forget the pain for a while, both physical and mental.

I hate the “in between” stages of relationships, where you’re not together but not just friend so. It doesn’t fit my black and white thinking at all. I know A said that he wasn’t seeing anyone but me, but I didn’t believe that. So part of me did what I’ve done before in this kind of situation- get with someone else to prove that if he’s not faithful, I don’t have to be either.

But I also knew it would mess it up with A. And I didn’t care. I thought, it’s best to hurt him before he hurts me. Stupid I know.

And then there’s the part of me that just kissed Z because I wanted to. Because Z is always cracking jokes and making me laugh and that combined with a few drinks had me feeling relaxed for the first time in months. I thought if Z had managed to make that happen, then he deserved something in return. I’ve hated myself so much the last month or so with my depression that I didn’t even consider that he was cheering me up because he likes me as a friend or just because he’s a nice person. I assumed that for someone to be nice to me, it must mean they want something from me.

From now on, I’m gonna start writing again. I’m going to get back into my music properly. I’m going to give up alcohol. And I’m going to do my best to get through this black of depression that I’m going through.

I’ve said sorry to A a lot of times, and I wish I could take back all of last night. But it’s taught me an important lesson which I’m glad I’ve learnt. That no matter what’s going on (my family falling to pieces around me, my anxiety ridiculously high, my pain levels getting worse each day and the fear of becoming bedbound again, money problems, realising my friends aren’t actually very good friends, etc*) that I need to look after my health (mental and physical) before anything else. Otherwise I end up losing the one good thing in my life.

I have an anxiety whenever I meet people, that they’re just messing with me and won’t actually turn up (big part of the reason that it took me til age 23 to ever meet A outside of school) but I’ve noticed a new warning sign for my mental health getting bad- actually being full on shocked when my best friends actually turn up to something we’ve arranged.

Feelings are exhausting. I need more sleep. I will be writing more often so talk soon.

N xxx
*this list is a lot longer than what’s written and could be its own post. It probably will be a post on here soon.

Aspartame worsening symptoms

When I was having problems with SIBI but before the doctors knew what was wrong, I went entirely organic to see if it helped.

In the last few weeks I have reintroduced aspartame into my diet via robinsons squash and haribo sweets.

For the last few weeks, my insomnia has been hell.

Tonight I went over the top and ate a big bag of haribo. My insomnia is bad, I’m aching all over, I have a headache and I’ve now also been physically sick.

I think there’s a link.

I’m cutting out aspartame now to see if my insomnia gets better again.

I was off it long enough to know it wasn’t causing all of my symptoms, but it’s very possible it makes them worse. So for anyone with CFS or fibromyalgia or any illness really, I suggest cutting out aspartame to see if there’s an improvement.