I’ve not written on here in a long time. Probably because my health has improved a lot. But also because my depression had improved a lot.
But I need to write. I need to get out all the things in my head.
The last month or so, my depression has been really bad. For no real reason. But when my depression is bad, I seem to create a lot of new reasons to hate my life. And last night I made a big mistake and it lost me a decent guy who I’ll call A.
We weren’t together. I’m not really sure what we were but we weren’t labelling it and we hadn’t been on a date. But I kissed another guy (who I’ll call Z) after a few drinks. It was actually a bit more than a kiss but I told A it was just a kiss. I knew he wouldn’t forgive me anyway so why hurt him more than necessary? Even though I had said there was no commitment to A.
Why did I do it? I’m trying to work that out myself. I guess that’s why I’m writing.
Part of it was that I don’t trust A. He did one thing that made me lose his trust, but it really wasn’t a big deal. But with my black and white thinking, I either trust someone entirely or I don’t trust them at all. I didn’t realise how much I still need to work on black and white thinking.
I also freak out about relationships. I’ve had so many bad ones before. A year and a half ago, I broke up with a guy who I had actually become scared to be alone with and I hadn’t dated at all since or even really considered it until A. If I hadn’t started speaking to A when I did, I wouldn’t have even thought about dating. There’s still a lot of fear after my ex. I’ve been desperate to get a lock on my bedroom door because I don’t even trust my family members.
A has a lock on his bedroom door and when I was hanging out at his, he locked it out of habit. And I felt trapped. It freaked me out so much. I just wanted to run away from that house but I pushed down the irrational thoughts. I should have realised then that I needed to start writing again. That I needed to get everything out before it took over.
Well it took over, all the shit fed Anna. Anna is one of the voices in my head. I don’t really have the voices anymore. I hadn’t had them in over a year when I’ve been sober. And really I shouldn’t drink. I gave up alcohol for a year, and I don’t even know why I started drinking again. Maybe to prove to myself that alcohol isn’t a problem for me. But it is.
I realised a couple of weeks ago I needed to stop drinking, but I talked to A about it (well dropped it into conversation). And he looked shocked. He also said that if we went out for drinks with his family, I would need to drink (or maybe he didn’t say that but it came across that way). And I like him and want his family to like me, so I thought, rather than quit drinking like I knew I should, I would try again to drink sensibly.
Obviously didn’t work as I drank way too much last night. More than I have in years. I wanted to forget the pain for a while, both physical and mental.
I hate the “in between” stages of relationships, where you’re not together but not just friend so. It doesn’t fit my black and white thinking at all. I know A said that he wasn’t seeing anyone but me, but I didn’t believe that. So part of me did what I’ve done before in this kind of situation- get with someone else to prove that if he’s not faithful, I don’t have to be either.
But I also knew it would mess it up with A. And I didn’t care. I thought, it’s best to hurt him before he hurts me. Stupid I know.
And then there’s the part of me that just kissed Z because I wanted to. Because Z is always cracking jokes and making me laugh and that combined with a few drinks had me feeling relaxed for the first time in months. I thought if Z had managed to make that happen, then he deserved something in return. I’ve hated myself so much the last month or so with my depression that I didn’t even consider that he was cheering me up because he likes me as a friend or just because he’s a nice person. I assumed that for someone to be nice to me, it must mean they want something from me.
From now on, I’m gonna start writing again. I’m going to get back into my music properly. I’m going to give up alcohol. And I’m going to do my best to get through this black of depression that I’m going through.
I’ve said sorry to A a lot of times, and I wish I could take back all of last night. But it’s taught me an important lesson which I’m glad I’ve learnt. That no matter what’s going on (my family falling to pieces around me, my anxiety ridiculously high, my pain levels getting worse each day and the fear of becoming bedbound again, money problems, realising my friends aren’t actually very good friends, etc*) that I need to look after my health (mental and physical) before anything else. Otherwise I end up losing the one good thing in my life.
I have an anxiety whenever I meet people, that they’re just messing with me and won’t actually turn up (big part of the reason that it took me til age 23 to ever meet A outside of school) but I’ve noticed a new warning sign for my mental health getting bad- actually being full on shocked when my best friends actually turn up to something we’ve arranged.
Feelings are exhausting. I need more sleep. I will be writing more often so talk soon.
*this list is a lot longer than what’s written and could be its own post. It probably will be a post on here soon.