All the things…

All the things that are causing me stress right now:a list.

  1. My sister has moved back in. I can’t be myself around her because she is so judgemental. At the same time I’m worried for her because she just can’t cope with life and is having a bit of a breakdown. I think she has an eating disorder.
  2. My mum is under a lot of strain with my sister and potentially moving house/potentially getting an extension, and work. I’m trying to help as I can but usually I can show her when I feel shit. I feel like I can’t at the moment without adding to her stress.
  3. My dad and step mum have some issues that are bothering me. I feel like it’s not a healthy relationship and wonder of the effect on my brother.
  4. My brother has mental health difficulties and I’m scared for him.
  5. My brother is also being tested for a genetic heart condition that only affects men (so not me). I’m scared for him.
  6. My cousin is having a relapse with her OCD and eating disorder and is leaning on me for help a lot. I can’t turn her away. She says I’m the only person who understands.
  7. My friends aren’t actually that good friends really. Or they are good friends but not great people. I’m not sure. I’m feeling let down.
  8. I’m pretty sure one of my friends is hypo manic (or is it hyper manic?) from his antidepressants. He doesn’t seem to see an issue. I’m worried.
  9. I have money right now, but I’m terrified of losing it. A slight health improvement and I don’t know when to inform the benefits people. If I do, I might lose my entire income and my mum will struggle massively if I’m not paying her. If I don’t, I might get investigated for fraud for not being as sick as I told them. But I don’t know how long this good patch will last. I hate relying on the government for money. I wish I had a job.
  10. My brain fog is still being a shit. I’ve tried studying. I’m sooo behind and I have exams in two months. I should have done the work by now and be revising but I’m not even half way through. But I’ve tried reading the textbook and I don’t understand it. Hell I can hardly understand instructions on a microwave meal. 
  11. My hands hurt. Not a big deal for someone with chronic illness but it feels different this time. Worse. More constant. I’m scared its arthritis and won’t get better. I’m scared I will have to stop playing guitar, ukulele and keyboard, and doing photography, and drawing and painting and sewing and clay modelling (I’ve already massively reduced doing all those things). 
  12. I think the SIBO is back (again). I don’t want to take the medications again and be housebound if not bedbound for three weeks because of them.
  13. TMJ disorder is bad. It’s making it difficult to eat. It’s making it difficult to talk. I’ve been ignoring the pain and doing things anyway but god it’s frustrating.
  14. I have to decide whether to go to my cousins wedding in July. How am I supposed to know in advance if I’m well enough? He said he needs minimum 2 weeks notice if I don’t go(?!).
  15. My nausea has been constantly bad for weeks (even when I’m not taking codeine). I’m scared as to why. I get pain in my stomach every time I eat or drink. This is a new experience for me and I don’t know what to make of it.
  16. My skin feels like it’s on fire. Wearing clothes hurts.
  17. I’m worried that after my step dad moves back in, I’ll get sick again and have to move my bed into the lounge again and it will be a pain because he won’t walk through if I’m asleep (incase I’m not fully covered) and it’s the only way to the kitchen. I feel like it’s pressure to stay doing well.
  18. Restless leg syndrome in bad and affecting my already shit sleep.
  19. I’ve damaged my knee and struggling to fix it.
  20. One leg muscle is significantly bigger than my other leg.
  21. My skin is a mess from the stress and I keep picking at it.
  22. I self harmed recently and broke my year long streak of no self harm. I’m finding it difficult not to continue self harming.
  23. The rabbit is potentially dying. The vets are trying treatment but it’s not looking good. That rabbit helped me through some tough times.
  24. I’m cutting down smoking.
  25. My diet/healthy eating regime couldn’t be much worse.
  26. The neck pain that causes horrendous headaches is back.
  27. I feel like a bad friend and relative because I’ve been so caught up in my own stuff.
  28. Muscle memories of pain.
  29. My dog keeps having an upset stomach and I’m worried. I’m worried there’s something wrong but I’m also worried each time it happens if he’s been poisoned (poison killed a few dogs on a nearby field recently).
  30. All the stress is making my health worse.

And that’s not even getting onto a lot of the irrational worries going through my head.

N xxx


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