Contradicting resolutions

One of my new year’s resolutions was to buy less stuff. Which is going really well so far. Granted it’s just been Christmas so I just got a load of stuff. But not including virtual purchases of music/books (because the resolution was to reduce the amount of physical stuff in my house and on the planet), I’ve bought 2 things this year that aren’t in the normal food shop- some electronics cleaning wipes, and some material to create a patch to fix a hole in a teddy.

When I’m buying stuff, I have to think about one of my other resolutions- be more green. The wipes are disposable, so they aren’t very eco friendly. But I want to use wipes rather than a wet cloth because I don’t want to damage the electronics by using too much water, because then they have to be replaced and create more waste (previously I just hadn’t cleaned my electronics which I now realise is disgusting). My other purchase, the material, is definitely eco friendly though because it’s for repairing the teddy rather than replacing it.

And then we get to the problem… I made a resolution to post on YouTube more often, and to improve at ukulele, and to finally learn pyrography with the equipment I bought god knows how long ago.

As part of my posting more on YouTube, I wanted to improve the quality of my videos. I have a camera I can use already so that’s easy right? I tried it today and it turns out the microphone is placed right next to the lens so you can constantly hear the lens autofocusing. So I need an external microphone. Which means buying something (against my buy less resolution). I’m going to try and get one secondhand though, to make it more eco friendly.

I’ve also found that I have a problem with my ukulele. It needs a new nut. Nuts are replaceable but it was a cheap ukulele. So paying someone to replace the nut for me might be more expensive than getting a new ukulele (I could then give the old uke to the shop who would fix it up before selling it on). So I don’t know what to do about that. Do I do the thing that is more money responsible (another resolution), or the thing that involves less waste and is more eco friendly? I’m going to see how much a replacement nut costs and hopefully it’s not too much.

And then there’s pyrography. I’ve tried it and it’s fun. I can’t wait to learn how to do it better. But reading through the book on pyrography techniques that I have, I think I’m going to need to upgrade my heat tool fairly quickly. It’s a pretty basic tool so I can learn the basics but if I want to progress I might have to buy something better. We will see how it goes, since I won’t reach that point for several months yet.

Anyone want to tell me their resolutions? How’s everything going so far?

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New year, new goals

I have new goals for the year and need somewhere to be held accountable. I also have a cool table to mark off how I’m doing with each goal that I want to show off. I have 44 goals, and my overall aim is to achieve 24 of them.

1. read 52 books

2. Including 12 classics

3. And 12 non fiction

4. Improve keyboard

5. Especially music theory

6. Improve guitar

7. Improve ukulele

8. Improve spanish

9. Improve photography

10. Improve drawing

11. and draw more regularly

12. Write 52 poems

13. Extra goal- write 104 poems

14. Write 12 short fiction pieces

15. Finish novel first draft

16. Publish poetry book

17. Finish nerdfighter poetry book

18. Write 4 songs

19. Learn italian

20. Learn pyrography

21. Lose weight

22. Quit smoking

23. Stay alcohol free

24. Donate £120 (£10 per month)

25. Save £200 a month

26. Watch 12 new films

27. Build up to 8,000 steps a day

28. Meditate daily

29. Note down 3 positive things a day every day

30. Keep track of money and what’s in my bank account

31. Have a clean email account (delete old emails, unsubscribe from useless shit)

32. Buy less stuff

33. Be more green

34. Consistently keep a diary

35. Upload to YouTube regularly

36. Start a pension

37. Create the scrapbook project I was supposed to do in 2017

38. Less internet and social media

39. Don’t get pulled into other people’s drama

40. Stay mentally healthy as much as possible

41. Get a skincare routine that works and is easy and I don’t hate

42. Meet new people and make new friends

43. Organise photos

44. Blog more regularly

Hopefully I will remember to come back to this post and update it by putting achieved goals into bold.

Low pain day

I’m enjoying a low pain day today and not really being productive. But I’ve been on the keyboard and ukulele and practised my Spanish.

I’ve also done a work out/physiotherapy as I do everyday and it went especially well today.

A letter has come through with a referral to the community mental health team. So they’re going to do some kind of assessment next. I already had an assessment with the psychology department so I’m not really sure what’s going on. I wish the doctors would give you more information about who they’re referring you to and what’s going to happen. They do the assessment at my house which is good, because if my physical health is bad, I won’t have to cancel the appointment just because I can’t get there.

I’ve been writing a lot of poetry recently. Which I think shows how messed up my head has been. I write more when I’m struggling and I go to poetry more over short stories or working on my novel when I’m struggling as well.

I had a funeral on Monday and there’s some issues with my friends that I’m not sure what to do about. And I’ve been dealing with medication side effects.

I’m trying not to think about all the mess inside my brain and just enjoy my day with low pain (it’s a 3/10 which is really really good for me).

There’s not really much point to this post except I needed to write and get things out of my head.

I’ll write again soon.

Good and bad

Today has been a good day really. I saw A and he’s forgiven me, and we are giving things another shot (exclusive this time). But I have a lot to make up for, but I’m not quite sure how to do that. The only reference I have for ideas is tv and films where a guy buys a girl diamonds. I don’t think A will want diamonds somehow!

But health wise it’s not a great day. Pain level is at 7/10. Fatigue is at 6/10. Dissociation has lifted though so it’s not all bad. Im happy again. But I’m angry at myself still for letting things slip, to letting myself get so bad in the first place, and for everything that’s happened this week. A might have forgiven me but I’ve not forgiven myself yet.

I’m going to take some painkillers and lie in bed while doing some writing (poetry or short stories- I don’t have the brain power to deal with the mess that is my novel right now). Then I’ll get a good nights sleep. Tomorrows task is to sort out my finances and all the other things I’ve been letting slide and get some studying done. I have exams in two months!

My to do list is very overwhelming when I’m in this much pain, but I’ll get there eventually…

N xxx

Dissociation 

I just got back from the theatre watching my step dad in a play. At one point he’s one stage with his shirt hanging open thrusting his hips. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe.

The play was a love story. About love that doesn’t work out. They don’t end up together. It seems fitting for my life right now. I was nearly in tears at the end.

I fucked up with A. I wish I could take it all back. I was trying to hurt him before he had the chance to hurt me which is completely stupid.

I’m not myself at the moment. The last few months have been a whirlwind of emotions.

Normally I fairly like myself, currently I wish I was dead. Suicide seems like a good option right now. I’ve always thought I would die by suicide one day. Even when I’ve been happy and life has been going well I thought that’s how it would end. It scared my mate when I told him that. He thought I was suffering with depression but when I told him, I actually wasn’t. My mental health was good at the time. But I know things can always get bad again.

But I really don’t feel like myself. I’ve dissociated. I feel like I’m watching myself live my life, but I’m not actually in control of my body or my actions. Like an out of body experience. I’m just watching.

Yet the things I’ve done are still my fault. Because I let myself get to this point. I’ve been dissociated for a week. But the warning signs have been there since january.

I’ve not looked at my bank accounts and kept an eye on my money since january. I’m gonna have charges for going overdrawn on my accounts.

I’ve not donated to charity or even signed a petition or bothered to read an email from greenpeace since january. All my post is sitting unopened as well.

I’ve barely played guitar or ukulele or keyboard since January. I’ve listened to music but not the right kind of music to soothe my soul.

I’ve not meditated more than four times since January, and those four times weren’t successful. I couldn’t calm my thoughts.

I self harmed three weeks ago after over a year of not self harming.

I’ve been obsessed with dieting and weighing myself 10 times a day (10 is probably an underestimate. Definitely not an exaggeration). That’s not healthy for anyone but especially someone with a history of eating disorders.

I’ve not written any short stories since January or worked on my novel, and I might have written one poem but that’s it. Normally it’s a short stories and a couple of poems per week and regular work on my novel.

I’ve not studied at all since 2015. That’s just pathetically bad for me.

And I don’t know what to do. I have one friend whose advice I always go to and who I really trust. But she’s been severely ill with her own bipolar since october. Maybe the lack of anyone to talk to has gradually led to this breakdown of sorts. Maybe it would have happened anyway.

I just need someone to talk to. A friend who really cares.

The worst thing about dissociation is I don’t feel the same. Like I don’t care about people. I don’t even love my dog. And then I start thinking how that makes me a bad person.

All the things…

All the things that are causing me stress right now:a list.

  1. My sister has moved back in. I can’t be myself around her because she is so judgemental. At the same time I’m worried for her because she just can’t cope with life and is having a bit of a breakdown. I think she has an eating disorder.
  2. My mum is under a lot of strain with my sister and potentially moving house/potentially getting an extension, and work. I’m trying to help as I can but usually I can show her when I feel shit. I feel like I can’t at the moment without adding to her stress.
  3. My dad and step mum have some issues that are bothering me. I feel like it’s not a healthy relationship and wonder of the effect on my brother.
  4. My brother has mental health difficulties and I’m scared for him.
  5. My brother is also being tested for a genetic heart condition that only affects men (so not me). I’m scared for him.
  6. My cousin is having a relapse with her OCD and eating disorder and is leaning on me for help a lot. I can’t turn her away. She says I’m the only person who understands.
  7. My friends aren’t actually that good friends really. Or they are good friends but not great people. I’m not sure. I’m feeling let down.
  8. I’m pretty sure one of my friends is hypo manic (or is it hyper manic?) from his antidepressants. He doesn’t seem to see an issue. I’m worried.
  9. I have money right now, but I’m terrified of losing it. A slight health improvement and I don’t know when to inform the benefits people. If I do, I might lose my entire income and my mum will struggle massively if I’m not paying her. If I don’t, I might get investigated for fraud for not being as sick as I told them. But I don’t know how long this good patch will last. I hate relying on the government for money. I wish I had a job.
  10. My brain fog is still being a shit. I’ve tried studying. I’m sooo behind and I have exams in two months. I should have done the work by now and be revising but I’m not even half way through. But I’ve tried reading the textbook and I don’t understand it. Hell I can hardly understand instructions on a microwave meal. 
  11. My hands hurt. Not a big deal for someone with chronic illness but it feels different this time. Worse. More constant. I’m scared its arthritis and won’t get better. I’m scared I will have to stop playing guitar, ukulele and keyboard, and doing photography, and drawing and painting and sewing and clay modelling (I’ve already massively reduced doing all those things). 
  12. I think the SIBO is back (again). I don’t want to take the medications again and be housebound if not bedbound for three weeks because of them.
  13. TMJ disorder is bad. It’s making it difficult to eat. It’s making it difficult to talk. I’ve been ignoring the pain and doing things anyway but god it’s frustrating.
  14. I have to decide whether to go to my cousins wedding in July. How am I supposed to know in advance if I’m well enough? He said he needs minimum 2 weeks notice if I don’t go(?!).
  15. My nausea has been constantly bad for weeks (even when I’m not taking codeine). I’m scared as to why. I get pain in my stomach every time I eat or drink. This is a new experience for me and I don’t know what to make of it.
  16. My skin feels like it’s on fire. Wearing clothes hurts.
  17. I’m worried that after my step dad moves back in, I’ll get sick again and have to move my bed into the lounge again and it will be a pain because he won’t walk through if I’m asleep (incase I’m not fully covered) and it’s the only way to the kitchen. I feel like it’s pressure to stay doing well.
  18. Restless leg syndrome in bad and affecting my already shit sleep.
  19. I’ve damaged my knee and struggling to fix it.
  20. One leg muscle is significantly bigger than my other leg.
  21. My skin is a mess from the stress and I keep picking at it.
  22. I self harmed recently and broke my year long streak of no self harm. I’m finding it difficult not to continue self harming.
  23. The rabbit is potentially dying. The vets are trying treatment but it’s not looking good. That rabbit helped me through some tough times.
  24. I’m cutting down smoking.
  25. My diet/healthy eating regime couldn’t be much worse.
  26. The neck pain that causes horrendous headaches is back.
  27. I feel like a bad friend and relative because I’ve been so caught up in my own stuff.
  28. Muscle memories of pain.
  29. My dog keeps having an upset stomach and I’m worried. I’m worried there’s something wrong but I’m also worried each time it happens if he’s been poisoned (poison killed a few dogs on a nearby field recently).
  30. All the stress is making my health worse.

And that’s not even getting onto a lot of the irrational worries going through my head.

N xxx